This is how I feel:

"I don't want to be an ant. You know? I mean, it's like we go through life with our antennas bouncing off one another, continously on ant autopilot, with nothing really human required of us. Stop. Go. Walk here. Drive there. All action basically for survival. All communication simply to keep this ant colony buzzing along in an efficient, polite manner. "Here's your change." "Paper or plastic?' "Credit or debit?" "You want ketchup with that?" I don't want a straw. I want real human moments. I want to see you. I want you to see me. I don't want to give that up. I don't want to be ant, you know?"

From the Richard Linklater film Waking Life

The Fair

I live in an extremely small town in southern Pennsylvania. I lived here from when I was 10 until I was 16 and then after 5 years of living in the great state of Mississippi, I moved back in May.

Every August they have a fair. It's small, and slightly shady, but every year it was something my friends and I looked forward to.

Tonight my twin sister, Jessie and I went to the fair, I haven't been to this fair since I was about 15. I remember the year before that going with Jessie, Hannah and our close friends Robert, and Daryl and one of their good friends Mel. This is who I spent every single weekend with, It was so much fun. This year Hannah is living in North Carolina with her new husband, Mel is married with two children, Robert just finished 6 years in the Navy and Daryl lives in Africa and I haven't seen him in about 5 years, So this year it was just Jessie and I. Fairs scare me slightly, there seems to be something incredibly uneasy about a ferris wheel that you can fold up and load on a truck, but we rode the rides and ate candy apples and listened to women sing country songs off key. It's the last time we're going to hang out for a while and it was overall a fun time. But it also felt kind of strange.

I leave on Tuesday to go back to Mississippi for my Junior year of college and Jess leaves a week after that to spend the semester in Rome. My brother is coming to college with me, my youngest sister starts her freshman year of high school in a week. (She is slightly a super genius and is skipping the 8th grade entirely) My best friend from the second grade just had a baby girl and the second boy I ever dated is getting married before too long. I have no idea when we all became so old. I am not entirely sure I like it.

At times I very much wish I was still 14 and at the fair.

Scenes from the best day ever.

J. Crew, marriage vows, sparklers and cigarettes.

weddings and things.

In less than 48 hours my oldest sister is getting married. The past couple months have been an insane whirlwind of making seating charts, decorating place cards and testing wedding cake frosting. It's weird that after Saturday it's going to be done. As excited as I am about this wedding and as happy as I am about getting such an amazing brother in law who has really become part of our family, it's strange to think that Hannah is going to be married, she'll have a husband and a new family and she'll like be an adult and shit. It's hard to explain but it just feels very weird.

I am pretty sure I shall not be having a wedding. Not to say that I won't get married, but the whole wedding thing is a little too intense for me. I think I'll have like a picnic with 9 people or something like that. I don't need colour schemes and appetizer menus.

I am excited though, it's going to be a beautiful wedding, I was kind of kind of dubious of the idea of having the reception in the barn but it really turned out lovely. I shall post photos at some point. My dad's family arrived today and my mother's crazy scottish family get here tomorrow. I don't think we've ever had both sides of the family together before (except for maybe at my parents wedding) so this is going to be great.


I need to wake up early to help arrange bouquets so I'm going to sleep now.

The Velveteen Rabbit

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

Today I got some sad news.

Rest in peace Bethan. I wish I would have had the opportunity to know you better but I always enjoyed the conversations we did have. You were such a sweet girl and will be missed by everyone you knew. No one at school will ever forget you.

When I wake up with 24 dollars and a full tank of gas . . .